Awareness, 2010

2010

Maya has moved her teenage girl to a residential school so there are no more confrontations with her father and she can feel secure. She has spoken up gently without nagging(she hopes) about how a teen feels when she's hit in public (way too late after the incident!) She is relieved that she has opened up to her mother-in-law(last week) as only she would understand that her son had grown up with aggression.

Maya also told her husband, in a humorous way, to not watch her like a hawk when people visited, so he could tell her later about her shortcomings. She confessed to him about talking to his mother, who will not mention a word to him, of course...Maya just needed to talk to someone who had gone through much worse. Though he blew up the day Maya told him, she is relieved that she said it calmly, and she has had a relatively non-confrontational life since her girl left for school two months ago.

Maya needs help to forget past aggression as her son is still at home, and she needs to bring him up in a gentle family. She can forget most of the time, except flashes like last night when she went to bed, and her husband came in much later, after harsh words, and fell asleep without a word or touch. She knows it is normal for a man from their culture to be undemonstrative, but she spent the rest of the night reliving the more vivid instances of abuse, though she tried hard to understand that he had changed since she spoke to his mother and is trying to be gentle. What she cannot wipe out most is the night outside the mall some years ago where she could not stop her girl from being hit once, and then again.

Not saying a loving goodnight is not that bad; it was just a silly trigger for memories that should not have been. Maya resents not being able to disagree and not having her daughter around. She regrets not having recognised what was happening to her daughter and her. It includes much emotional and some physical bullying (She tries to ignore the financial monitoring. Money is not important to her as he takes care of their needs, and perhaps it is good for their children to learn fiscal prudence) Deepest regret? She did not stand up for her girl often enough. She stood up for Maya, but that was the last straw which made Maya send her away, as that was not a daughter's duty. Her daughter is truly happy as the new school suits her temperament.

She can forget most of the time, but privately it makes it difficult to handle herself. She is still a person who's "always happy" to others. And she will do what she can to keep her children secure. The aggression is not everyday now, and she sees glimpses of caring, but she is afraid it will slide back again if she cannot sustain her cosy wallflower image..for at least 40 more years! That figure is intimidating. Help! She has started talking to others, and that helps. She wishes it were alright to just meet up with other families as a family. Again, that's guilt time, for taking up his time. That disturbs her a lot, she thinks, the sudden isolation from old friends, but it's a small price to pay for peace. She is also less demonstrative, toning it down so he would not flare up in irritation. She certainly missed being loving.

Male Pattern Avoidance

Clearing my inbox, I find an e-mail I had sent myself.
The day I mailed me, the man for whom the mail was intended told me, on my insistence, why he had cold-shouldered me for a week. This was accompanied by the clatter of a casserole of lentils he threw at the ceiling.
A kiss on my virtual wall triggered his anger that week. It was posted by a mutual friend, whom I would not fuck if you gave me a fortune. I was then at a point in time when I had no intention of having an affair ever, because I was inexplicably devoted to my partner.
So I wrote him this letter, and mailed it to me, knowing he had MPA and did not deign to share views with wives.

My apologies to The Sunday Times, but it puts me to sleep so I don't read it. I do skim, though. I love to know what this country and its girls and men are up to, but in capsule form.

So I read only the large print. I saw those pointers that tell if you or or your spouse are having an affair. They pointed to me, and I sounded blatantly promiscuous.

I apologise again. I don't have the patience to dig out the newspaper from our recycling basket and tell you the name of the article or the page or the date. So if you have not read it yet, you won't find out if you are promiscuous too.

I think I can remember the pointers, because they were about what I do: If you are saying more about yourself to someone other than your partner, you are having an affair. If you are looking forward to telling it everyday, you are too.

But here I was, thinking I had unlocked the secret to building a wonderful married relationship. The article said I was, in fact, breaking it.

Though it took me a long number of years, I thought I had finally figured that the secret to appeasing male partners was to shut up and stop piling on. Concentrate on the sex, the stability and the mystery. Get rid of routine everydayness and get a life.

Angst I dumped on people outside the partnership. They loved it, as they got to do it too. So the real me went out first, then reappeared as an improved avatar. This avatar then had a beautiful relationship with the best marital partner on my side of earth.

If that's called "having affairs," amen.