Male Pattern Avoidance

Clearing my inbox, I find an e-mail I had sent myself.
The day I mailed me, the man for whom the mail was intended told me, on my insistence, why he had cold-shouldered me for a week. This was accompanied by the clatter of a casserole of lentils he threw at the ceiling.
A kiss on my virtual wall triggered his anger that week. It was posted by a mutual friend, whom I would not fuck if you gave me a fortune. I was then at a point in time when I had no intention of having an affair ever, because I was inexplicably devoted to my partner.
So I wrote him this letter, and mailed it to me, knowing he had MPA and did not deign to share views with wives.

My apologies to The Sunday Times, but it puts me to sleep so I don't read it. I do skim, though. I love to know what this country and its girls and men are up to, but in capsule form.

So I read only the large print. I saw those pointers that tell if you or or your spouse are having an affair. They pointed to me, and I sounded blatantly promiscuous.

I apologise again. I don't have the patience to dig out the newspaper from our recycling basket and tell you the name of the article or the page or the date. So if you have not read it yet, you won't find out if you are promiscuous too.

I think I can remember the pointers, because they were about what I do: If you are saying more about yourself to someone other than your partner, you are having an affair. If you are looking forward to telling it everyday, you are too.

But here I was, thinking I had unlocked the secret to building a wonderful married relationship. The article said I was, in fact, breaking it.

Though it took me a long number of years, I thought I had finally figured that the secret to appeasing male partners was to shut up and stop piling on. Concentrate on the sex, the stability and the mystery. Get rid of routine everydayness and get a life.

Angst I dumped on people outside the partnership. They loved it, as they got to do it too. So the real me went out first, then reappeared as an improved avatar. This avatar then had a beautiful relationship with the best marital partner on my side of earth.

If that's called "having affairs," amen.