Awareness, 2010

2010

Maya has moved her teenage girl to a residential school so there are no more confrontations with her father and she can feel secure. She has spoken up gently without nagging(she hopes) about how a teen feels when she's hit in public (way too late after the incident!) She is relieved that she has opened up to her mother-in-law(last week) as only she would understand that her son had grown up with aggression.

Maya also told her husband, in a humorous way, to not watch her like a hawk when people visited, so he could tell her later about her shortcomings. She confessed to him about talking to his mother, who will not mention a word to him, of course...Maya just needed to talk to someone who had gone through much worse. Though he blew up the day Maya told him, she is relieved that she said it calmly, and she has had a relatively non-confrontational life since her girl left for school two months ago.

Maya needs help to forget past aggression as her son is still at home, and she needs to bring him up in a gentle family. She can forget most of the time, except flashes like last night when she went to bed, and her husband came in much later, after harsh words, and fell asleep without a word or touch. She knows it is normal for a man from their culture to be undemonstrative, but she spent the rest of the night reliving the more vivid instances of abuse, though she tried hard to understand that he had changed since she spoke to his mother and is trying to be gentle. What she cannot wipe out most is the night outside the mall some years ago where she could not stop her girl from being hit once, and then again.

Not saying a loving goodnight is not that bad; it was just a silly trigger for memories that should not have been. Maya resents not being able to disagree and not having her daughter around. She regrets not having recognised what was happening to her daughter and her. It includes much emotional and some physical bullying (She tries to ignore the financial monitoring. Money is not important to her as he takes care of their needs, and perhaps it is good for their children to learn fiscal prudence) Deepest regret? She did not stand up for her girl often enough. She stood up for Maya, but that was the last straw which made Maya send her away, as that was not a daughter's duty. Her daughter is truly happy as the new school suits her temperament.

She can forget most of the time, but privately it makes it difficult to handle herself. She is still a person who's "always happy" to others. And she will do what she can to keep her children secure. The aggression is not everyday now, and she sees glimpses of caring, but she is afraid it will slide back again if she cannot sustain her cosy wallflower image..for at least 40 more years! That figure is intimidating. Help! She has started talking to others, and that helps. She wishes it were alright to just meet up with other families as a family. Again, that's guilt time, for taking up his time. That disturbs her a lot, she thinks, the sudden isolation from old friends, but it's a small price to pay for peace. She is also less demonstrative, toning it down so he would not flare up in irritation. She certainly missed being loving.